I am new to this forum ,so hello. My son has been in trouble alot lately. In school and at home. He is 11 years old. He's been in detention for a month and dont care if he gets any more detention. He said something bad about a teacher yesturday at school. I had to pull him out of hunter safety because of it. The instuctor agreed with my decision. He yelled at the babysitter yesturday. He doesnt ever appoligise to anyone unless told to. He is on concerta at the present. We always find stuff broke and hidden away. My wife and I are fed up , bottom line. After you take something away or ground him from tv and games , its as if nothing happened. The next week or two , same crap. My wife was crying this morning because of or son. He doesnt show any remorse from what he might say or do. He was being good for a while. Just basic kid crap. Not wanting to be around your kid isnt good. I'm looking for help all over. I want him to be responsible for his actions. Any time he gets in trouble his excuse is I DONT KNOW. Beleive me we have tried taking things away, no tv, no xbox, dropped out of hunter safety, grounding. Any ideas would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.

Hi Travis
When my son was about 11 or 12, I was at my wits end and felt that I just couldn't cope any longer. Our family was in an endless rut of frustration, arguments, misunderstandings and general unhappiness. When things got to rock bottom I realised that my son was after all just a child and that if anyone was going to break the cycle and change things it had to be me. He needed my help and by helping him I would ultimately be helping myself. I sat down and read everything I could about ADHD and AS and realised how differently he saw the world. When he gave his stock answer of "I don't know" it really meant that he either really didn't know or he didn't know how to express himself. So I stopped asking why he had done things and instead explained to him why he shouldn't have done it and gave him options of other ways he could have behaved instead. Always calmly. I also stopped taking things off him like computers and games because that is how he used to relax and banning him from these things just made him worse not better as he "had nothing else to loose". In fact I took the opposite view and let him "go and calm down with the computer" until he was able to come and talk calmly about something.
He also never apologised for anything because most of the time he honestly did not know what he had done wrong or at least did not mean it to be wrong at the time it happened. Quite often it would be a small mistake, he would feel bad or embarrassed as he didn't realise that he would get the reaction he did and then things would escalate and just get way out of hand until he could not back down. We eventually got around this by explaining everything, all the time. As soon as he did or said something "inappropriate" we would just quietly say "It would be better if you did/said.... as it would not hurt someones feelings" or whatever way it needed to be explained. As for broken items (lots of them as he was not always very co-ordinated) we taught him that there was no point in hiding as we would find it anyway but if he came and told us when he had broken something he would NOT get told off.
He soon became much calmer and soon learnt that when he was not sure of how to react or what to do or say about something he knew he could come and ask without fear of being told off or ridicule.
He also learnt that if he had had a very bad day that it was much better to take it out on a computer game than "Mum".
It's very hard to explain in a few words here how we changed things around and it did not happen overnight but it was so worth the effort. I am not sure if any of this will work with your son but maybe it might give you some ideas? Hope some of it can help
Kind regards
Anj

I agree with everything Anj has said. I have the same problems with my son whom also has ADHD, if asked why he would always reply "i don't know". I also don't ask why anymore but just explain why he shouldn't. Daniel is now quite calm at home although very silly at times (he is 12 by the way). This does not apply to him at school though, the teachers haven't got time or patience to deal with him. They end up telling him off in front of the class, and Daniel retaliates by having a go back, swearing, and walking out. He is also in detention most days, and now they are threatening to exclude him. I have regular meetings at school and SENCO just don't listen to me when i tell them how to deal with Dan. You may not be able to change what goes on in school, but you can make an amazing difference at home. The school will just have to put up with the behaviour if they are not prepared to listen to you.
Good luck
Jo