Investigators at a major research institution have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Erapium. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.




It does, however, have 1 crony, 125 assistant kabiteons, 75 vice kabiteons, and 111 assistant vice kabiteons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.




These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of talkative particles called solons. Since it has no electrons, Erapium is inert.




However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Erapium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.




Erapium has a normal half-life of approximately six years; it does not decompose but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant kabiteons, vice kabiteons, and assistant vice kabiteons exchange places.




In fact, an Erapium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become kabiteons, forming new cronies.




This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Erapium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the election or ...the "Critical Masa".




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